Those Green Eyes
by xForeversEndx
Summary: Sirius doesn't know how much longer he can handle watching James covet after Lily... Will he ever win his heart? SLASH warning. Possible trigger content. May create a new account soon. When I do, I'll give warning and move the story over.
1. Chapter 1

Sirius sat in the great hall, staring at the Slytherin table and chewing his bacon angrily. He was paying little attention to the usual morning commotion, and was thereby ignoring James, which he should have by now realized was probably not a very good idea. For now, though, he didn't care. He was in a bad mood. Exactly, why he was in a bad mood, however, he wasn't exactly sure.

Just as he began to content himself with imaginative ways to mess with Snape, Sirius felt a sudden, unpleasant sensation trickling down the back of his robes. He froze, took a deep breath and closed his eyes. _Fuck. _Rage flushed through his body and he whipped around, violently pulling his wand out of his robes and spinning around to point it at whoever was the culprit.

It was James, holding a half-filled ladle of porridge. Presumably, the other half of the ladle's contents were currently trickling into Sirius's pants.

"What the fuck did you do that for, James!?" He shoved his wand to the boy's throat, who, much to his annoyance, simply laughed and raised his eyebrows, as if daring Sirius to throw a curse in his direction. Sirius glanced down to see that James had a grip on his own wand. Knowing better than to start a battle with his friend, he settled for glaring at him instead.

"Bee in your bonnet, Padfoot? Where's your head this morning?"

"Fuck you, James," Sirius spat, not in the mood to call him by his nickname (he didn't deserve it). "Vanish it, now." James rolled his eyes, and giving a dramatic sigh of boredom, he vanished the porridge that was now seeping its way slowly into caverns of Sirius's physique that he would rather not describe.

Sirius continued to glare at him for a moment before spinning around and sitting back down, keeping his wand out and in a defensive position in case of possible attack. He massacred another piece of bacon.

"Really, Sirius, what's the matter?" James asked, resuming his own seat and now looking at him with concern.

"I have a fucking prick for a best friend," he snapped, refusing to look away from the table on the other side of the hall, and therefore not seeing that look of hurt that flashed across James' face.

"I was just having a little bit of fun, Padfoot," James whined in return. "You're being so grumpy today." His tone suggested a pouting child. Sirius just glared at his eggs. "What's the matter?"

"I don't know," Sirius answered. It was truthful, mainly. "Just angry today." James bit on his lower lip and Sirius, who had looked up at him, felt a fluttering sensation within his stomach which did nothing to help calm his temper.

"Does someone need a hug?" James asked like a cuddling preschool teacher, and reached toward him with a pout on his face. Before Sirius had a chance to respond, he had wrapped his arms around his entire body in a bear hug, knocking him over and in the processes shoving him into Remus, who only now looked up from the essay he was furiously revising.

"Knock it off," he said with a cry, involuntarily smiling and choking back a laugh. "Stop!" James succeeded in knocking Sirius off the bench entirely, and the scene ended with both of them lying on the floor. Remus gave an irritated grunt, but appeared to be on the verge of laughing himself.

Sirius shoved James off and pulled himself up, using the bench for support. He grabbed a handful of eggs and shoved what he could down the front of his companions shirt.

"Alright, alright, that's enough!" The eggs vanished, as did the toast from James' hand. They looked around in distress to see Remus standing behind them, wand out, hair askew, and essay in hand. "You're going to get points docked." He appeared amused, but didn't drop his authoritative tone. "No more food for you."

"Aww, but Moooonnny," crooned James, "we were just having a bit of fun!" Sirius made a point of wiping the smile from his face. He was in a bad mood, dammit.

"Yes, well, your fun shouldn't cost us the cup." James pouted again.

"Fine. Spoil all the fun." The bell rang and Sirius gathered up his things. He was feeling better, but this was something he was unwilling to admit to. Remus seemed to notice this and flashed him a look. Ignoring this, he sprinted down the hallway in pursuit of James, who seemed to find it necessary to race his way to class. Damned if Sirius was willing to lose.

They reached the door to Transfiguration at precisely the same moment, panting and gasping desperately for air. They entered to a disgruntled looking McGonagall and took their seats quietly. Sirius remembered his bad mood and resumed his scowling.

"Just give it up, Padfoot," Remus sighed as he sat down beside him. Sirius pretended not to know what he'd meant.

"If we're all ready," McGonagall began from the front of the room, "I'd like to begin." She cast a glance in the direction of Remus, Sirius, and James, to assure they were, in fact, sitting quietly. They were. "Today, we are going to learn a new and difficult method of Transfiguration called _"

Sirius stopped listening.

After a brief glance around the room for something interesting to distract him, he looked to his friends on either side of him. Remus was taking furious notes, as per usual, and as this happened to be James' favorite subject, he too appeared to be annoyingly occupied. Sirius rolled his eyes and pulled out a muggle notebook and dipped his quill into his inkpot. He thought for a short moment before setting quill to paper, and began to sketch a few random objects, here and there. A snitch, an orchid (James' favorite flower – only don't ask him how he knew that), a stag, werewolf, and a large, ferocious looking dog. He tapped his wand on the page and set these objects in motion.

He glanced up now and again to assure that McGonagall hadn't caught on to his lack of attention.

Sighing, Sirius stared at his handiwork, flipping back through his journal pages. It wasn't entirely filled with in-class scribbles. The book ranged from diary entries to song lyrics to tic-tac-toe games that he had played in other classes with James. James, of course, had never been allowed access to the rest of the book. _And for good reason, _he mused to himself upon pondering this fact.

He turned back to the page before and read briefly over his last journal entry. Feeling suddenly sad, he flipped the book closed and rested his chin on the desk. He only did this for a short time, however, and a moment later had flipped the book open again. He dipped the quill into the pot, this time with the intention of writing another entry. He glanced in James' direction first; to be sure the boy really was focused on the lesson and not on whatever might be going on beside him.

He set the tip of the quill onto the page, but did nothing aside from watch the splot of ink bleed into a wider and wider circle, darkly swallowing the blue lines that had been there before. He had plenty to write about, sure, but at this very moment his brain was too fuzzy to make heads or tails of what he was actually thinking – or feeling for that matter. So instead, Sirius settled for dipping his quill and again watching a dark circle materialize on another section of the page. By the time the lesson had finished, the entire sheet was nearly black.

The bell rang, releasing him from his silent prison, and he snapped the book shut, shoved it in his bag, and stood up all in a single, fluid motion. His limbs thanked him for the movement as he stretched and yawned loudly. James took advantage of this vulnerability and slapped him hard on the back. The yawn taken from him, Sirius coughed and scowled.

"Thanks for that, mate. Really."

"Anytime, Padfoot," James replied, saluting him. Sirius sighed. He had the feeling that his was going to be long day.

Just as he was able to get the thought out, Lily Evans happened to saunter by; pulling James from any attention that had previously been on his friend. Sirius' expression darkened. Remus was eying him carefully.

"H-hey Evans!" James sputtered in the red-headed girl's direction. Lily whirled around, dangerously.

"Can I help you with something, Potter?" She seemed, as usual, to be annoyed.

"Nah, Evans. I was just saying hi. But while we're on the subject – " Lily's eyes narrowed.

"Don't finish that, Potter." She told him, not allowing him to finish. "If you'd really like to just say hello, then hello to you too. Anything else and you can bugger off." James saluted her.

"Aye aye captain!" Lily rolled her eyes and walked away, resuming her discussion with her friends.

Sirius stood and watched the scene glumly, and when James rejoined their party, he walked alongside him, silently, regarding the event over and over again in his mind. Remus put a comforting hand on his shoulder and Sirius cast him a strange look. He refused to believe that Moony actually knew what was wrong with him, and if he feigned ignorance enough he may convince Moony that he didn't know as well.

*Later That Evening*

Sirius sighed as he pulled off his robes, relieved to be rid finally of his itchy uniform, and pulled on a plain t-shirt in replacement. He removed his trousers, changed his pants, and pulled on a pair of pajama bottoms. He was more than ready for bed. He glared to himself as he listened to James yammer on about his newest plan on seducing Lily.

"I'm going to ask her to tutor me in charms," he was saying to a rather exasperated Remus who seemed as though he were ready to through his inkwell in the bespectacled boy's direction. "And I'll sit real close. I just got this new cologne." Sirius groaned audibly and flopped back onto his bed.

This, unfortunately, attracted James attention, and he turned to look at him, much to Remus' relief.

"What's up, mate?" Lily didn't like James, that's what was up. He was wasting his time when he should be putting his focus into people who actually liked him – preferably someone who thought the sun shined out his ass, much like Sirius did.

"We've heard it all, Prongs," Sirius settled for saying instead. "It's time for bed now." James glared at him for a moment and then stuck his tongue out at him.

"You're just jealous," he teased. Remus winced on the other side of the room, but James didn't notice. Sirius said nothing in reply, but pulled shut is curtains and extinguished the light with a flick of his wand.

As he listened to James stumble and curse as he tried to make his way back to his bed in darkness, Sirius pulled the covers up over his head. Yes. Yes he _was _jealous. His thoughts turned to some of his recent diary entries as he closed his eyes against the too-familiar sting of bitter tears.

It was time to write again tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

When Sirius awoke the next morning, he had to resist the urge to flop back down into bed and sleep off the rest of the day. He felt awful. His eyes were crusted shut, his face slightly swollen, and – despite sleeping like the dead – exhaustion overtook his body. He'd cried last night, and not for the first time. He let out a groan.

"Everything alright in there, Padfoot?" James' voice called from the other side of his four-poster curtain.

"Yeah," he replied, "just not ready to be up yet." He fell back against his pillows and contemplated the day to come. He needed to write something. He wasn't sure what, yet, but he knew he needed to write it. It shouldn't be too hard; His friends were long used to him secretly bending over a notebook and scribbling things that they weren't privy to. Still, he always had a hard time with it while James was around. Paranoia prevented him from relaxing when the boy could so easily look over his shoulder. He resisted another groan and roughly shoved the heel of his hands into the caverns of his eye socks. He left them there until he saw stars. He just wanted to go back to bed.

Eventually, however, he found the strength to drag himself out of bed and walked blindly toward the showers. Perhaps the water would wake him up a little bit. Groggy, and staring at his feet, he walked through the bathroom door only to collide roughly with a figure standing just inside. His knees gave and he clipped his elbow on the counter as fell ass-first to the ground.

"Bloody hell" He swore, grabbing his elbow and rubbing it in the hopes that the shooting numbness and screaming nerves would go away. A laugh brought his eyes up to the person he'd run into.

"You weren't kidding about not being awake, were you?" A towel-cladded James reached out a hand to pull Sirius out of his sitting position on the floor. The latter felt his cheeks flush, despite having seen James in a towel on many previous occasions. The blush was intensified by embarrassment at being knocked down by the collision. "It's okay," James told him, seeming to sense this, "my knees don't work in the morning either."

"Yeah," Sirius replied quietly, "but you're not the one who feel down." He kept his eyes on the floor, not trusting the lower endowment of his body to such a vision, though he figured James would chalk a boner up to morning wood anyway.

"You alright, mate?" Sirius sighed and took a tighter grip on his towel.

"I'm fine. Like I said, just tired." James didn't seem to believe it, but didn't press either.

"Well we'd best hurry up then or we're going to miss breakfast. Can't even imagine how you'd live through _that._" It was meant as a joke, and Sirius knew it, but it didn't sit right. Feeling newly more depressed, he brushed past his friend and stepped into one of the four shower stalls in the room. The warm water just made him sleepy, so a moment before he stepped out he turned the temperature ice cold and forced himself to stand there for a solid 3 minutes.

Feeling awake, but not any happier, Sirius stepped from the shower, wet and shivering, and took a deep breath before opening the door into the dormitory. It was colder in there, and he knew it. Courage gathered, he shoved the door open and in single fluid motion crossed the room, shed his towel and pulled his uniform on over his still partially-wet body. The fabric of his shirt clung irritatingly to his back and he cursed himself for his inability to perform a drying charm properly in the way that Remus could. He took solace in the fact that James wasn't so great at it either, but he sucked at charms in general. He decided he'd try a drying charm tomorrow; he'd need to know how to do them eventually anyway.

After purposely avoiding the mirror for the rest of the morning, he followed James and Remus down the staircase, into the common room, and out into the hallways of the castle. They were relatively empty, which confirmed Sirius's suspicion that they were running late. He didn't say anything as they made their trek toward the Great Hall. Both James and Remus seemed to notice this, much to his annoyance.

"I'm bloody fine!" He snapped, the third time one of them had inquired about his silence. "I'm in a quiet mood and I'm ruddy well aloud to have one!" Neither of his friends made any further inquiries, but passed each other a significant look which only did more to increase his agitation. By the time they reached the Great Hall, Sirius was both depressed and annoyed. Remus looked at him strangely across the table the entire time they were eating.

This made Sirius uncomfortable, because after James' comment in the bathroom that morning, he disliked the idea of being watched as he ate, and he slowly lost the desire to eat anything at all. He put his piece of toast on his plate and pushed it away from him. This, of course, caused Remus to watch him with an even more calculating expression and the only thing that eventually prevented Sirius from snapping at him for it was his fear that it would draw attention from James.

He waiting impatiently for breakfast to be over, and stalked moodily to class when it finally ended. He shoved Snape violently on his way into the Charms room, and this cheered him for moment. He smirked as James shoved him, too, glad to see that Lily hadn't yet stopped him from having fun. Remus glared at them both in a disapproving manner and set further from them from usual, as if embarrassed to associate himself with the two of them.

Professor Flitwick entered the room roughly 5 minutes after the class was scheduled to begin, and from his usual pile of books, squeakily apologized for his tardiness.

"I was unfortunately caught up this morning by an overactive tea-kettle. It seems someone," He glanced suspiciously about the room, "Charmed it to screech the national anthem while spraying tea all over my blasted office." There was a wave of laughter and Sirius glanced over at James for a sign that it might have been him. James seemed as bewildered as anyone else. It must have been a Slytherin. "However," Flitwick continued, "however irritating and inconvenient the incident may have been, the charmwork involved was astounding. Therefore, I will be awarding 5 points to whichever house belongs to the perpetrator, so long as the assailant leaves a note on my desk identifying themselves before the end of the day. Now, let us begin."

There was a buzz of under-breath talk at the news that someone might actually be awarded for pulling a prank on a teacher.

"Who do you think it was?" James whispered to Sirius, who shivered at the touch of his breath on his ear. Sirius shrugged.

"Someone who's good at charms, obviously. It was probably a Ravenclaw." James shrugged and turned back to the front of the room. Sirius waited until the excitement had died down a little before pulling his notebook from his bag. He glanced at James, unsure about writing. James hated charms, and wasn't likely to pay attention to this class for long. However, he did pride himself on getting good marks and not being good at it might also make him pay closer attention. It all depended on how studious James seemed to be feeling on that particular day.

Sirius was in luck, however, when a few minutes later he realized that today was a study day, and James seemed to be operating on a resolution to do better in the subject. He wondered briefly if he shouldn't do the same, but ultimately decided that he could get help from Remus and even James later on. He dipped his quill in his inkpot, which today was dark, blood red.

_18__th__ September, 1977_

_I cried again last night, and I know I promised myself that I wouldn't do that anymore. But I should be cut some slack because James made some pass about me being jealous over Evans and it stuck just the right cord to get me crying again. I think it's getting worse. James doesn't seem to be any closer to getting Evans interested and yet at the same time just hearing him go on about it day after day is taking too much of a toll on me. _

_Even worse, I think that Moony is starting to suspect that there's something wrong with me. He keeps looking at me weird but refuses to tell me why when I ask him about it. Like this morning, he wouldn't stop bloody staring at me as I ate, and then I wasn't even hungry anymore. I don't know how long I can keep this up. James as good as called me a pig this morning, and I bloody ran right into him in the bathroom and fell right on my arse._

_I'm starting to be depressed and sad and agitated all the bloody time and it's all because of James fucking Potter. Well, no, it's not. It's my own damn fault for being a sodding pillow-bitter in the first place. James doesn't even know I'm gay and I'm starting to consider telling him and Remus. I'm worried about how they'll take it, though. I'm losing my head already and I don't think I could handle losing my best friends as well. That's why James can never know how I feel about him. _

_Fuck. Look at how bloody pathetic I've gotten to be. I'm all worked up now, fixing to cry, because of a fucking journal entry. See what I mean? This can't be normal. I'm not far off from a suicide risk, I swear to you. And however cavalier that comment may sound I'm not exactly kidding. It crossed my mind last night while I was laying there. And don't go laughing at me; I'm not some stupid school-boy getting dramatic over a crush. James is all I have, okay? Him and Moony. And he saved my bloody life, you know. I'm in love with him. And if I lose him because I come out too soon, or because Evans swoops in and steals him away, I won't be able to take that. I feel him distancing already over that stupid cunt! I want him back! I need him and I can't even tell him how much. _

_I'm going to have to go now, because if I keep this rant up right now I'll either hit something, or start crying, and I'm in class so I'll talk to you later. _

_Sirius. _

Sirius slammed the book closed, a little too loudly, and James' head snapped over to look at him. He saw the look of distress written across his face. Knowing better than to try asking what was wrong again, he placed a comforting hand on his shoulder instead. The curly headed boy had to physically brace himself from this impact to keep collapsing. He wanted to cry, and an inner part of him was absolutely disgusted with himself for wanting it. He wanted to cry and sob and collapse right into James' chest and keep his face buried there forever. But he couldn't.

The final 20 minutes of class was torture for Sirius. James didn't remove his hand from his shoulder until the bell rang and by that point his resolve was nearly gone. He refused to open his mouth and was afraid to even make eye-contact with either of his friends by the time they were filing out of the Charms classroom and into the corridor. He wanted to finish his rant, but he didn't know when he'd have to time to do it alone. As he slowly followed his friends down the hallway toward the dungeons, Sirius heard a familiar voice.

"Look, Potter," Lily sounded resigned as she spoke, "I don't know why you've been so bloody adamant about it, but fine. Whatever. We will make _one _study date for this Saturday, and that's _it. _All of my friends have been suggesting that if I give in you might leave me alone, so, fine."

Sirius stopped breathing. Someone grabbed his shoulder again, but this time it was Remus, who was watching him concernedly.

"Really?!" James was saying. "That's great, Evans! Thank you! I'll see you on Saturday!" Lily rolled her eyes and walked off, flanked by two giggling friends. Sirius still wasn't breathing, and Remus slapped him hard on the back. He drew in a gasp and pretended to have just been spacing out so that Remus wouldn't suspect him of being upset by the scene ahead of them. James approached them both, grinning, and walked the rest of the way to the dungeons with a successful strut.

Sirius, on the other hand, wasn't sure he would even make it to the dungeons at all.

**I know this ship isn't over popular (sad, isn't it?), but I absolute love feedback. So if those of you who ARE reading this would be so kind as to REVIEW, those things do have a tendency to make my entire day. Thank you! **

**xForeversEndx**


	3. Chapter 3

Sirius walked toward the dungeons slowly, focusing every facet of energy on keeping his breath even. It was a task. As Remus guided as covertly as possible in the correct direction, it registered with Sirius that the emotion inside of him felt oddly like panic. Why was he panicking? Evans accepted a date with James. One date. That was all.

It didn't actually register with Sirius that they had arrived in Slughorn's classroom until Remus was urging him into a chair in the back of the room. He shook himself to attention; what if James noticed? He glanced over at the bespectacled boy. He seemed too happy about Lily's acceptance to pay much attention to what was going on around him. This only upset Sirius further. He was already being forgotten…

"We're making the Dragon's Eye potion today!" Remus exclaimed, whether out of true excitement or by means of distraction Sirius wasn't sure. He did vaguely remember having been excited about that particular potion before, but now he couldn't even remember what it was supposed to do.

"Mr. Lupin," he heard Slughorn say from a distance, "because your statement seems to more important than the lesson, I think we'd all love to be privy to your conversation." Remus blushed.

"I uh… I was just… excited we were doing the Dragon's Eye potion…" There was a snigger throughout the class.

"Oh! Well then Mr. Lupin why don't you tell the class all about it then, huh?" Had anyone aside from Remus been the one to say it, Slughorn wouldn't have believed it. Sirius thought it was probably more embarrassing for his friend that Slughorn _did _believe it. After mumbling a quiet explanation of the potion, he sat down and didn't utter another word.

This left Sirius alone with his thoughts for the duration of the lecture. He closed his eyes to the classroom and took another breath.

_You're okay. You're okay. _

"You're okay." He whispered it to himself and James looked at him oddly.

"What?" He mouthed. Sirius shook his head.

"Nothing." He mouthed back. James shrugged and went back to staring contentedly toward the front of the room. Sirius released a shaky breath. He _was _okay. Right?

Fortunately, further examination of this question was hindered by the beginning of the practical lesson.

He turned toward Remus but before he was able to pull his things from his bag, James grabbed his shoulder.

"Hang on there, Padfoot. It's our day remember?" Sirius cursed inwardly at the rotating system they'd set up to avoid anyone being left out of partnerships. He didn't want to work with James today.

"Oh yeah," He answered with a nervous laugh. "My bad, mate." He pulled out his things and set them beside James'. He thought he saw Remus gazing at him funnily but he didn't chance a closer look.

"Can you believe this, Padfoot!?" James exclaimed. "She finaly said yes! I didn't even have time to test out my new cologne!"

"Mhm." It was all the response he could manage. He tried to turn his attention to the text book.

_The Dragon's Eye potion is one of the most difficult brews in the sense magnification field. While it only takes 1 hour from start to finish, the measurements, timing, and order must be done with exacting detail to avoid combustion of its magical properties. _

_The effects of this potion are useful among Aurors and ministry officials, but its use has been banned in many locations for security reasons. Working to change the make-up of the drinker's eye, it converts the pupil to one of dragon-like properties, allowing the user to see at 15 times the usual distance and gives the added function of both around-the-corner sight and the ability to see behind oneself without the necessity of turning the head. Unauthorized use of this potion within ministry protected areas is a class 3 felony and is punishable by up to 2 years in Azkaban. _

_Overdose on this potion is possible and may cause blindness. Careful, monitored use is strongly urged. _

So that's why they had been excited for this potion. After all, it wasn't practical to pour over the map every moment of a covert operation. The map was useful but it, like everything, possessed its drawbacks. If they could brew this potion properly, they could use it in an airborne attack; something they had been dying to try.

"Hello, Padfoot?" James' voice accosted his thoughts.

"Huh? What?" He turned to look at his friend, who looked annoyed.

"I said, what should I wear for my date with Lily? You don't think my blue jumper is too pretentious, do you?" Sirius took another deep breath.

"No." He answered. "No your blue Jumper should be fine."

"Great!" James answered, beaming. "Now, what are we supposed to do with this thing?" Sirius consulted the text book again.

"Bring 6 cups of water to a boil." He read off, and checked to see that the cauldron was already bubbling. "And add 3 tablespoons of chilled dragon's blood." He watched as James added the blood. "Let it simmer for exactly 4 minutes." James set a tempus charm for 4 minutes and they waited as it counted itself backwards in the air. "You've gotten better at those." He commented. James looked up at the golden numbers.

"Yeah. I've been practicing." He answered with a smile. He watched Sirius for a moment and seemed to sense that something was wrong. After earlier that morning though, he also seemed unwilling to make a comment on the matter. Sirius wasn't sure whether he was upset or grateful for this fact. They watched the timer run down. "What are we supposed to do when it's done?" James asked.

"We're going to need 3 lacewing flies and a boltrope seed, simultaneously, and then stir 4 times counter-clockwise and 2 times clockwise. Blow out the flame and let it sit for 6 minutes and then light it again. Add 7 drops of snake venom." He read it off without looking up.

"Bloody hell." He heard James sigh. "This isn't going to be easy, is it?" He shook his head. "Do you think she'll like my grey slacks better or my brown?" Sirius could feel his hands beginning to shake. His head was spinning. He wanted to throw up. She was never supposed to say yes. She was always only mean to him. James was supposed to give up on her.

"I like your grey ones better." He answered. "Timer's down." They counted down the final seconds and then added the ingredients together. James' sleeve brushed up against Sirius, giving off his natural scent. Sirius breathed it in as he watched the contents of the cauldron swish around while being stirred. After the 6th rotation of the ladle, he bent down and blew out the flame. James set another tempus charm. "Wear the black vest." He added. "It looks good on you." James appraised him slowly.

"I didn't know you paid so much attention to my wardrobe, Padfoot," he said finally. "Thanks, I will." _You're okay. _

"No problem." _You're okay. _

"I'm starved. What do you think they'll have for lunch today?" Sirius shrugged. He wasn't hungry. _You're okay._ He closed his eyes. "You sick or something? You don't look so good." _Great, _he thought, _now you look gross. Pull yourself together. _

"Don't feel so good today. Think I might be coming down with something." James frowned.

"That sucks, mate. Maybe you should go lie down." Good. An escape.

"Yeah. Yeah I think I will after lunch." James nodded.

"I think I'll come up with you. Sprout is still out. No Herbology. We're finished after this today." Sirius nodded but groaned inwardly. He needed to be alone. But how? He watched the timer again, and tried to steady his hands. He didn't know how long he could keep this up. The clock ran down and he added

1

2

3

4

5

6

7 drops of venom to the concoction.

"Now you need to stir 5 times, alternating between clockwise and counter clockwise." James read to him. "He obeyed, and a green mist rose from the cauldron. "Now bring it to a boil and let it sit for 15 minutes." He increased the flame and sat down. "You know, Padfoot," James continued. "I think this might be the happiest I've ever been."

Sirius was lucky that the steam coming off the potion gave off a very strong scent; it gave him justification for the wetness in his eyes.

*Later that Day*

After a miserable, and torturous lunch, Sirius found himself on his way back to Gryffindor tower, flanked by Remus and James, the latter of whom was still talking animatedly about his date.

"And I thought that if I brushed my hair right after I took a shower, it might stand a chance of staying down. But I don't know if I want it too straight because that could look dorky. But if I let it stay too messy it will make her think that I don't care about my appearance. I just don't know what to do." Remus rolled his eyes.

"Just wear it how you always do, James. You're studying in the library; you're not going to a five star restaurant.

"Well, yeah, but I want to impress her, you know?" Sirius clenched his fists as they approached the entrance to the common room. "I don't want her to think badly of me. What do you think, Padfoot?" Sirius turned and glared at him. He made effort to keep his voice from shaking.

"You want to know what I think, Prongs?" He answered, forcefully. "I think that if you're so worried about what she'll think you shouldn't be going out with her. Stop this. Who cares what your hair looks like? She sure as hell shouldn't and if that's a bloody deal breaker for her than you're with the wrong person. Just be you. If she doesn't like it then tell her to fuck off." They entered through the portrait hole and Sirius stomped off, leaving his friends in the common room.

He thundered up the stairs to the dormitory and collapsed down onto his four-poster. He drew the curtains around himself violently and cast a silencing charm on its perimeter. He fell back onto the mattress, shoved a pillow on his face, and screamed as loud as he could into it. The scream melted into sobs and for a solid 15 minutes he stayed that way, waiting for someone to rip open the curtains and expose him for his wretchedness.

It grew hot beneath the pillow after a while, so he sat up, hugging the pillow between in knees and chest. He wiped at his face and then wrapped his arms around his legs. He was still crying, forehead resting against the worn knees of his most comfortable trousers. He couldn't do this. This had to stop. She was never supposed to say yes.

It was a good 20 minutes before he started to calm down, taking deep, labored, shaky breaths as he listened to the sounds of the room. The door-knob was wiggling, which meant that his friends were returning. Sirius climbed quickly beneath his covers and flipped his pillow so the wet side wasn't showing. He lied down and made like he was asleep.

"I don't know. He said he wasn't feeling good earlier; he's probably asleep."

"He said he was sick?" Remus's tone was strange.

"Well, yeah, I guess. He seemed fine yesterday. Must have just set in." There was no response from Remus and Sirius heard them cross the room to their respective beds. "My gods," James sighed from beyond the curtain. "Saturday will never come fast enough." Sirius closed his eyes as further tears threatened to overwhelm.

He honestly had no idea what to do.


	4. Chapter 4

Sirius was awoken on Saturday morning by James frantically digging through every article of clothing he had. From the sounds of his swears beyond Sirius' curtain, he was able to discern that his source of distress was a missing shoe, which he may or may not have hidden beneath the wardrobe the night before.

Did he know how childish that was? Sure, of course he did. Did he care? Not in the slightest. He lied against his pillow with his eyes on the ceiling and listened to James rummage through his trunk, beneath his bed, through Remus' trunk and beneath Remus' bed and so on. James reached Sirius' bed and pulled open the curtains.

"What the bloody hell did you do with my shoe, Sirius?" Sirius, judging his anger by the use of his name, reminded himself that James had no evidence whatsoever that he actually _had _taken the shoe.

"What the hell makes you think I took it, Prongs?" He snapped. "What would I want with your shoe? Oh wait, that's right. It's my Slytherin blood. I just can't help taking things when I see them." The guilt trip worked, and James mumbled something unintelligible before storming off to check the bathroom. His date was in 15 minutes.

Eventually, James found the shoe beneath the wardrobe and after swearing vehemently that he had never taken his shoes off anywhere near there, he grabbed his bag and raced off downstairs to meet Evans in the common room. Sirius set about scowling and Remus, who had been in the shower, came out into the room wearing a towel.

"Did Prongs just come looking for his shoe in bathroom?" He asked, confused.

"Yes." Sirius responded grumpily.

"I think he even checked the toilet," he said in amusement. "Did he find it?"

"Yes," Sirius answered again. "Yes he did." Sensing the tension from his friend, Remus eyed him cautiously and crossed to room to trunk.

"God dammit!" He called out upon opening. "Why the hell would he look through my trunk for his bloody shoe? I just organized this sodding thing!" Sirius didn't reply. "Where _was _his shoe anyway?"

"Under the wardrobe. Probably got kicked under there." Remus raised his eyes in Sirius' direction but said nothing.

"When are they supposed to be back?" Sirius glared.

"How should I know, Moony? Do I look like I care?" Remus rolled his eyes.

"No," he said sarcastically. "No you don't." Sirius continued glaring and Remus sighed before crossing the room and sitting down beside Sirius on the bed.

"Why are you so unwilling to admit that you have feelings for him?" He asked. Sirius tried to act indignant.

"What are you talking about, Moony? I'm not gay!" Remus sighed again and massaged the back of his neck.

"Look, when you're ready to talk about it I'm all ears, but you're not fooling anybody, Padfoot. You're radiating so much jealously that your eyes may as well be green." He got up and set about locating his socks and Sirius considered this.

His eyes may as _well _be green; like Evans. Maybe James would like him then. And he was _not _radiating jealously and there was nothing obvious about his affection for his friend. Remus was just incredibly observant and everyone knew _that_. Besides if he _was _being obvious then James would have noticed by now. He paused for a moment.

What if James _had _noticed? What if he just didn't care? The thought distressed him.

"What are you doing today, Moony?" He asked, hoping that whatever Remus was going to do that day was something with the means to distract him from this.

"Well…" Remus answered, giving Sirius a sympathetic glance. "I was planning on going out by the lake and trying to write my essay. You can come with me if you want." Sirius nodded. Anything to keep his mind off James.

"I'll bring my broom." He said shortly, as he started to pull on some clothes. When appeared decently enough to go out in public, Sirius pulled his broom from beneath the bed and snatched one of the snitches off of James' nightstand. With an added thought he grabbed his bag, stuffed his journal inside and brought that along too.

Sirius followed Remus down the hallways toward the front door in silence, focused instead on the snitch that was fluttering around in his hand. He wondered briefly whether grabbing the snitch had been a bad idea, as it belonged to James and reminded him of James and quite honestly probably wouldn't do much to help keep James from his mind. But when they reached the lake he let the thing go anyway and shot up after it, leaving Remus to work on his essay.

He flew around aimlessly for a while, paying closer attention to his thoughts than the whereabouts of the snitch. He wasn't a horrible seeker. He knew that. Actually, if it weren't for James he might actually _be _the Gryffindor seeker. But he was a better chaser, he reminded himself as he made a third loop around the tree under which Remus was sitting, and he did the team a service by playing in that position. He caught a glimpse of gold and dove for it before realizing that it had only been the reflection of the buckle on his bag. He grumbled angrily to himself for the mistake.

He wondered what James and Evans were up to downstairs; if they had started kissing yet. If Evans had decided she were done with him or if James would succeed in getting her to agree to another date. He scowled. She didn't deserve him; she didn't even know anything about him. Sirius dove for something again which this time ended up being some poor girl's hairclip, shining in the sun.

Sirius knew everything about James. Everything. And instead of treating him like shit all the time and assuming that he was a piece of scum, Sirius damn well knew everything that was so great about him. He owed his life to him, he thought, finally catching a glimpse of the actual snitch, hovering some feet away. He shot after it and it zipped off over the lake.

He bet that Evans didn't even know that James' favourite subject was transfiguration and that he desperately hated charms even more than he did potions. He wrapped a hand around the snitch and almost toppled off of his broom in the process. He looked down.

Sirius was hovering roughly 50 feet over the surface of the lake, which he could see even from this distance had a very thin layer of ice across pieces of its surface, probably having frozen the night before in the October chill. The snitch fluttered in his hand and he flew higher still until he was hovering about 90 feet from the water.

A fall like that could kill, he reasoned. If the impact didn't, the cold would. He chewed nervously on his lower lip, pondering this. All it would take was a slip of the hand. One moment of clumsiness. It wouldn't take very long, he thought. He was in the middle of the lake. No one could pull him out in time. Besides, the squid would probably get to him even before the cold did. He did a half dive toward the surface, about 20 feet. He wondered what the fall would be like.

Without thinking about what he was doing, Sirius pocketed the still struggling snitch and dove again, this time faster, steeper, straight toward the lake, picking up more and more speed. At the very last possible second, he pulled up again and the tail of his brushed the surface of the water. He balanced there on his broom shaking, and gasping. He dipped his fingers into the shockingly frigid lake. He glanced at the shore and saw the Remus wasn't beneath the tree anymore but was standing angrily at the edge of the water, looking at him. Sirius didn't move right away.

Eventually, though, he had to heed Remus' shouting and he flew slowly back to the shore. He tried to walk past Remus but the boy grabbed his arm, roughly, and spun him around to look him in the eye.

"What the bloody hell was that, Padfoot?!" He asked, furiously. Sirius averted his gaze and shrugged.

"I thought it would be fun," he answered quietly. "I pulled up in time, didn't I?" For a moment Remus watched him as if trying to decide whether or not he believed this.

"You're a bloody idiot!" He snapped. "You and James, always testing your fucking boundaries! I don't know what to do with the two of you! I swear, sometimes I worry one of you are going to kill yourselves in one of your stupid stunts!" _That was point_, Sirius thought bitterly, as he pulled his arm from Remus' grasp.

"Just go back to your essay, Mooney. I'm fine. I won't do it again. I swear!" He added, after Remus' continued to eye him suspiciously. "I'm going upstairs. It's too bloody cold out here." He turned around and walked away before Remus had a chance to respond. It had been over an hour since they'd left, and James had been on his date with Evans for about two. He was sure to be sucking face with her by now.

He stomped across the grounds, picking up speed. He wasn't sure what he was hurrying to do, but he was in a strong desire to get there.

When he reached the common room, he found it empty, and despite his hopes that James would be back by now, he found the dormitory to be empty as well. He reached his trunk and started to rummage through it, without any real knowledge of what he was looking for. Eventually, he pulled out a silver pocketknife. Determining that this was the object of his search, he flipped it open and stared at the blade. It was his own damn fault that he was in this mess in the first place, he thought. He shouldn't have let himself fancy James to begin with.

He put the knife against his forearm. He was even more stupid to think that anything could come of it. He pressed down on the blade. Nothing would ever happen between the two of them aside from friendship, and he should have known that all along. He sliced cleaning across his forearm and watched as blood began to bead up along the stinging cut. Just like the dive, he didn't really have any idea why he did it, but it felt good.

He picked up the blade and moved it lower down, about a centimetre below the first. He made another cut, this one quicker and deeper than the last. He sighed as he felt some of the tension release itself from his body. He was also stupid, he thought, to spend so much time crying over something he should have been expecting the entire time. He made a third cut, beneath the other two, and revelled in the way that the blade sliced through his skin like butter. He stared at the blood.

His skin was pale, he reasoned. It was only a matter of time before someone noticed the blotchiness of his skin, or the bloodshot lines that stuck in his eyes every time he cried. 4. God forbid it James ever found out… 5. And besides, his time left was James was limited Before long, he and Evans were going to go off on their own, leaving him behind. 6. He should be making the best of his remaining time with the man who saved his life, but here he was, selfish Sirius, crying over a love that never would have been anyway. 7.

The door opened and he froze, grateful for the fact that his curtains were hiding him from view. His arm was bleeding profusely and he noticed for the first time since he started this that there were tears running bitterly down his face. Again. He would have added another cut for this, but he was listening too intently for any signs that he was about to be discovered.

"Who is that?" He asked, doing to best to keep his voice from betraying his current vulnerability. "Mooney?"

"Nah, mate, it's me." Sirius stopped breathing. James was back. He heard foot stepped approaching his bed and he shoved his robe sleeve down over his bleeding arm and jammed the knife beneath the pillow just as his James drew back his curtains. He gripped the cuff of his robe with the ends of his fingers.

"Hey there, Prongs," he answered, in the best attempt at casualty that he could manage. "How was your date?" Sirius felt his heart sink as a beam crossed James' face.

"I'm taking her to Hogsmeade next week," he answered happily. His expression changed. "You haven't been crying, have you Padfoot?" Sirius shook his head and tried to look at James like he was being stupid.

"No, of course not. Allergies. I think one's cat got up here. I've been sneezing all morning." James seemed to accept this. "Congratulations with Evans mate, really."

As Sirius forced a smile, the cuts stung horribly beneath his robe.


	5. Chapter 5

_23__rd__ September, 1977 _

_James had his date with Lily yesterday. _

Sirius stopped writing. He didn't know what to say. For some reason, he was feeling numb this morning. Disconnected. He thumbed his left wrist with his right hand, taking in the details of the cuts there.

_He has another one with her on Saturday. _

Already, James was beginning to distance himself from Sirius. All he talked about was Lily. The colour of her hair, the colour of her eyes, the sound of her voice, what she thought was funny, what she didn't think was funny. The noise she made when startled.

_I think I'm losing it. I really think I'm losing it. You know I cut myself yesterday? Like the muggles do? And you know, it actually bloody helped a little bit. James almost caught me though, when he came in. But he didn't. And he fucking believed me when I told him that I wasn't crying. I'm sure he doesn't even suspect that there isn't anything wrong. But you know what? I shouldn't be upset about that, should I? He's not supposed to know there's something wrong. _

_I don't want him to know there's something wrong. Right? Right. _

_I don't actually intend on stopping this, you know. It's my body and there's no reason I shouldn't. It's cold out anyway so it doesn't matter if I do because I can cover them without suspicion. No one needs to know a thing. _

Sirius looked up at the sound of his stirring roommates. It was still early for a Sunday. Until now, he had been the only one awake. A loud yawn and stretch told him that James was now conscious. He took a deep breath.

_I thought about suicide yesterday. Out over the lake, on my broom. I took a 70 foot drive to the surface and almost went in. I wanted to see what the fall would feel like. Remus yelled at me but he thought it was just a Quidditch stunt and then I came back here and cut myself. _

_I think I'm losing it. _

_And really, this whole thing is stupid if you think about it. I shouldn't be this shredded up over James, anyway, you know? I'm just in love with him. That's all. No big deal. It doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter. It does matter. Why does it matter? Why should I care if he decides he loves Evans instead? It's not like he was ever going to love me in the first place. He isn't gay. I deserve this. This is my fault for ever being a fucking poof to begin with. It's my fault to for falling in love with him. So what if he did save my life? James and I have saved Remus' life and you don't see him falling in love with either one of us._

_I'm losing it. _

Sirius noticed with a slight intrigue that his hands were shaking. Ink, lavender ink, splashed off his quill and onto the page. He closed his eyes. This was stupid. He just needed to suck it up and get over it. He was being stupid.

_Remus noticed my jealously yesterday and actually asked me why I won't admit to having feelings from him. This scares me because that means other people might have noticed too. I need to get better at hiding things, especially if I'm going to keep up with this whole cutting thing. _

_Anyway, I think James is up now which means he'll be bothering me in about four seconds. Later,_

_Sirius. _

Unsurprisingly, not long after Sirius had slammed his journal shut, James head popped suddenly through his curtains. Thankful for the long sleeved shirt that he had worn to bed, Sirius looked tiredly up at his friend.

"Can I help you with something, Prongs?"

"Yes, you can help me, Padfoot. You can tell me what's climbed up your ass this week and provide me with instructions on how to rid you of it." Sirius glared.

"What makes you say there's something up my ass?" He asked, putting his journal into his bedside table and locking it. He pulled his curtains open entirely to expose the rest of his friend, who – to his dismay – was only wearing a pair of snitch-laden boxer shorts. James just sighed, shook his head, and walked into the bathroom. Bothered by this, Sirius got up and followed him to the bathroom door. "There's nothing wrong with me, Prongs."

"You've been off all week," Sirius hear James' echo from inside the bathroom. "I don't know what's going on with you but I'm not going to lie, I'm getting a little concerned." Sirius didn't like this.

"I just haven't been sleeping lately." It was true. "I don't know why, but I just haven't been able to sleep." The bathroom door opened and James, still mostly naked, leaned against the doorframe to look at his friend.

"Yeah, you look like you haven't been sleeping. Maybe you should go talk to Madam Promfrey, mate. Maybe she can give you something." Sirius shook his head. The idea made him shudder.

"I don't think so. It'll pass. It happens sometimes." James looked at him some more.

"Yeah well, I hope so. You get grumpy when you're tired and you haven't been any fun lately." Sirius didn't say anything. "I'm going to take the invisibility cloak over to the library today and mess around with some of the brainy first years. You should join me." Without waiting for a response, James closed the bathroom door again and Sirius could hear the shower running. Sighing, he walked over to his trunk and started rummaging around for something to wear. He could hear Remus waking up behind his curtains.

He figured he may as well tag along with James today. After all, he'd been up a whole 20 minutes and he'd yet to say a single word about Evans. Perhaps it wouldn't be so bad. Besides, they had been spreading rumours about the haunting of the library for the past few weeks, and it would be too much to pass up an opportunity to follow up.

After fishing out a jumper which he liked to believe matched his eyes, he realized that changing was now going to be a challenge. He couldn't change out here, where he was in danger of Remus emerging at any moment from inside his curtains, and he couldn't change in the bathroom, where James too could discover him. After a moment's thought, he decided that his best option would be to sit on his bed with the curtains drawn and change his clothes there. He dug around a little more until he found a pair of suitable trousers and crawled back into his cave.

He changed his shirt quickly. Standing up outside of his curtains, he set about pulling on his pants. After buttoning them, he looked up to find Remus looking at him strangely.

"What?" Remus didn't answer him but returned to searching through his trunk for various homework supplies. "Didn't you finish that essay yesterday, Moony?"

"Yeah, I did. This is for extra marks." Sirius rolled his eyes, unable to understand his friend. He hoped James would be out of the bathroom soon, because he needed to use the toilet.

"You will never make sense to me, Moony," he told Remus. Remus just shrugged.

"What are you going to be up to today?" Remus asked. Sirius frowned slightly before answering.

"Prongs and I are going to go scares the first years in the library using the invisibility cloak." Remus groaned.

"Do you have to? I was going to go to the library today and I won't get anything done with all that screaming." Sirius smirked.

"Of course we have to, Moony. Our rumor has been spread around for a good while now. It's the perfect time to act." Remus shook his head and sighed.

"You'd better not get caught. McGonagall will skin you alive."

"We never get caught Moony," chimed in James, who was just walking out of the bathroom, wrapped in a towel. "You should come with us. You're in need of some fun." Remus actually appeared tempted for a moment.

"No, no not today. But I'll help you brew the Dragon's Eye. I promise." James sighed.

"Alright, fine. Be that way. But you should at least come to the library, or you'll miss the looks on their poor little faces." This seemed to be a reasonable request to Remus, who smiled.

"Alright, alright. You've got me there. I'll bring my essay stuff with me." James walked across the room and snatched the piece of parchment he was holding right out of his hand.

"I don't think so, Moony. It's Sunday. No more of this school stuff on Sundays. I forbid it." Remus glared and hit him with a pillow. The towel fell off his waist and Sirius, fled into the bathroom.

Groaning at his predicament. He sat down on a closed toilet and shut his eyes. Why? For the love of god why? He just wanted a normal life, dammit. Sighing, he dealt with his protruding member and cursed himself for being in this mess. One of these days, he would get over James, and he'd no longer have to deal with problems like this.

When he was finished, he flushed the toilet, to prevent any suspicion as to what he had been doing, and returned to the room, where he found both of his friends dressed and ready to go.

"This is going to be so wicked." James exclaimed. Unable to help it, Sirius even found himself smiling at the prospect of the day. He followed the two other boys down through the common room and they started down the various stairs and corridors that led the way to library.

"I still think this is kind of mean," Remus told them as they approached the proper floor. "They're only children." James smirked.

"That's what makes it so funny." He said with an evil grin. Remus looked reproachfully at him for a moment.

"God forbid you ever have children, Prongs." Sirius chuckled at this.

"No, no no. The little buggers would be the ones terrorizing him. Karma is gonna come back for you, Prongs."

"Karma, Shmarma. Here, get under the cloak. You sure you don't want to come along, Moony. Last chance." Remus shook his head.

"There isn't room under there for all three of us anymore anyway." James shrugged.

"Alright then. Just make sure you get good seats." Remus went off to sit down and Sirius situated himself beneath the cloak with James. He closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath, taking in his smell. He smelled intoxicating.

In order to keep both of them fully covered, James and Sirius had to be touching each other at all times. This was something that Sirius was only just now realizing, and starting to regret, as butterflies shot through his stomach every time that their hands brushed together.

_Just calm down, _he told himself. _You've done this loads of times before. _

"Alright, let's go." James whispered. "We'll start with that group in the corner." They snuck quietly over to group of first or second year students, cozied up by a fireplace and discussing some assignment or other. They approached one particularly meek-looking one, each placed their invisible head on either side of their victim and one, two, three,

"Get out." They whispered together. The boy jumped and screamed and the two had to leap back to avoid colliding with his head. Sirius actually began to enjoy himself as they repeated this for a few of them before James started kicking chairs over, tossing books, and using silent charms to put out the fires. They kept this up in good fun for around half an hour, to the amusement of a near-by Remus. Giggling, silently, they turned a corner and Sirius felt James freeze beside him.

He looked around for a moment before realizing the cause for his friend's sudden stop. Lily was sitting beside the only fire that they hadn't yet put out, chatting lightly with a group of friends.

"He's not so bad, actually." She was saying. "Not nearly as pompous as I had been expected." The group of girls giggled around her.

"Have you kissed him?" One of them asked.

"No," she said, shaking her head. "He was very gentlemanly. He kissed my cheek when parted." There was a collective sigh and Sirius suddenly didn't feel very cheerful anymore. The cuts on his wrist started to sting. He glanced over and with a sick face caught a glimpse of the dreamy look that James was sporting. He knew their antics were over.

"I'm going to go find Moony." He mumbled. Checking that the coast was clear, he shimmied out from beneath the cloak and headed off in the opposite direction. He eventually did find Remus, pouring over a book, despite being forbidden from doing so.

"Oh, hey, you're back." Remus said, closing the book guiltily. "Where's Prongs?"

"Eavesdropping on Evans." Sirius grumbled, sitting down and laying with his arms crossed on the table. "He forgot we were busy." Remus gave him a pitying look.

"Well… I stand by what I said yesterday. When you're ready…" Sirius got up and walked away before he had the chance to finish. He didn't want to hear it. It's not like there was anything he could do anyway.

Sirius wandered aimlessly around the corridors for a while, shivering slightly from the cold draft that was blowing through. He eventually found himself on the astronomy tower, where he stood for a long time contemplating the fall below.

He wasn't going to do it, he reasoned with himself. It was a morbid curiosity was all. He was fine.

Even still, Sirius was unnerved by his recent obsession with falling, and he wasn't fully able to convince himself that his only interest was in curiosity. As he stood, leaning against the wall and looking over the edge, he thought about James. He thought about their history together; the day they met, their first prank, learning their animagus forms together. Above all else Sirius remembered how James had saved him. The way he had taken him in and taken care of him even when his own family had kicked him out.

As he stood, relishing in the moments that he now felt were gone forever, he did nothing to hinder the silent tears that slid down his pale, cold-reddened cheeks. James was starting a new life now, and pretty soon, there would be no room for him anymore. Why would there be?

To be honest, Sirius couldn't even think of a reason as to why James had ever had room for him to begin with. He was nothing but a fuck up from a dysfunctional family who had nothing to his name but a reputation for trouble.

He'd been lucky to get as much of James' attention as he had…

Sirius was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of a door opening behind him. A giggling Ravenclaw couple stumbled in, taking little notice of his presence. Cringing, Sirius wiped the wetness from his cheeks and turned around to leave, doing his best to block out the erotic noises coming from behind him.

He hurried out the door and down the spiral staircase that would take him back to Gryffindor tower. He just needed some rest, that was all.

And as Sirius turned corner after corner, all he could think of was the knife currently resting in his bedside drawer.


	6. Chapter 6

By the time James returned from his date with Lily on Saturday afternoon, both of Sirius' arms were cut to absolute shreds. It had been his only escape over the past six days, and James' obvious admiration of Lily was only growing.

It was now Saturday evening, and Sirius sat in the Great Hall with his friends. Though he hadn't eaten much all day, he barely ate as he sat and listened to the various conversations happening around him. He didn't feel much like talking, and the only person who seemed to notice this at all was Remus, who – much to Sirius' annoyance – continued in attempt after attempt to engage him in conversation.

"I can help you with McGonagall's essay if you want," he was saying. "I've already finished mine but I've noticed that you haven't even touched yours. What do you think? Sirius?"

"Yeah, sure." Sirius mumbled in the direction of his friend. "I guess." Remus narrowed his eyes in his direction.

"What do you mean, you guess?" Sirius continued to push his food around on his plate.

"Padfoot usually helps me with those." It was true. As James' favourite subject, he was generally the first to tutor anybody regarding Transfiguration. Remus seemed to notice his mistake and frowned slightly.

"Right, I forgot. I'm sure he'll help you then." The problem was that Sirius wasn't so sure that James _would _be helping him this time.

"Besides, I don't know why you two are so convinced that I always need help anyway. I'm capable of writing my own essays, you know." He continued, moodily.

"That wasn't how I meant it, Padfoot, and you know that." Remus answered gently. Sirius gave up on pretending eating and, careful to grab on to the bottom of his sleeve before doing so, rested his chin on left hand.

"It's rude to put your elbows on the table, Padfoot!" James pestered at him with a mouthful of food.

"It's rude to talk with your mouth full, Prongs." He answered with almost no conviction. James stuck his tongue out at him and went back to exploding snap game, which he had been challenged to by a sixth year. James was relatively well known as the best exploding snap player in the entire school, and as a result he was frequently approached by strangers during mealtimes who wished to take the title. So far, no one had succeeded.

Sirius, who was generally entertained by these challenges, had as of late found them to be annoying, as it was preventing James from paying any sort of attention to him. Tonight, he was feeling particularly glum.

"They say it might snow early this year," rambled Remus. "It's been colder than usual." Sirius answered with a noncommittal grunt. "You don't think that will affect the Quidditch season much, do you?" Sirius sighed.

"No, Moony. I don't think it will." Remus frowned again.

"Will you please just talk to me?" Sirius looked desperately at his friend.

"I don't feel like talking right now, Moony. Is it really that big of a deal?" Remus raised his eyebrows in response.

"Well, yes, a little bit. Normally, you never shut up." Sirius grumbled under his breath.

"Okay, well tonight, I'd rather stay, quiet, okay?" Remus looked at him exasperated.

"Will you _please_ just come out about what's bothering you?" Sirius shot him a glare and put a finger to his lips.

"Will you shut up?" He snapped. "You're gonna draw attention!" Remus put down his fork and rubbed at his eyes in frustration. "Nothing's bloody bothering me, okay? I'm fine!" He pulled his wand out of his bag and started to levitate his fork above the table. Remus continued to stare at him, but said nothing. After a while, Sirius' patience got the better of him. "What?!" He spat at his friend.

"I don't believe you." Remus said flatly. He returned to his dinner without speaking another word. Irritated, Sirius let his fork drop to the table. The noise caused a few startled students to turn and look at him, including James, who seemed to take note of the glare written across his face.

"What's the matter, Prongs?" He asked. While he did look genuinely concerned, Sirius was simply annoyed that he hadn't noticed him earlier.

"Oh _now _you notice me." He snapped, standing from the table and pulling his bag over his shoulder. "Because I don't bloody exist unless there's something wrong me." He caught James' bewildered look and didn't give him a chance to answer. "Save it, Prongs. I'm fine." He turned toward the door, brushing past the dark haired boy as he went. "Go back to your bloody game."

Without waiting for a response from James, he stormed out of the Great Hall, feeling simultaneously angry and depressed. How dare they act like it's any of their fucking business why he isn't speaking? And how dare James think he can just ignore Sirius as long as there's nothing wrong with him? Fuck that. He didn't need this shit from two people who were supposed to be his friends. He didn't need them. He didn't need anybody.

Sirius briefly considered returning to the common room, but decided he didn't want to deal with anyone who might be there either. Instead, he stomped off toward the trophy room, smirking to himself. No one was ever in there.

He found himself having to roam the hallways for a long while before he was able to find it, which was unusual for him because on a normal day, he knew the school better than a map. But his mind was distracted, and he instead had to retrace about three paths before he was able to figure out exactly where he was. When he finally reached his destination, darkness had fallen entirely, and the only lights in the room were a single, dying torch, and light of the moon reflecting off the golden surfaces of the trophies. He stared at them for a moment.

After a few minutes, he broke himself of his reverie and sat himself in a far corner of the dark room. He rummaged through his bag for a minute and came out with the shining, silver pocketknife. He smiled slightly at the object which, in recent times, had become his best friend. He pulled up his sweater sleeve, pausing momentarily to look at the cuts scattered across his arm and wrist. He did so again with the other arm before flipping the knife open and placing the blade against his skin.

He didn't need them, he thought, as he pulled the blade across his arm and watched the blood bead up in the pretty little line he'd grown so accustomed to seeing. He didn't need any of them.

He moved the sharp edge to another untouched location on his arm and started this process again.

He especially didn't need James. Not now, not ever. What should it matter to him what James did with his love life? It shouldn't, and it didn't. Not at all.

Sirius stayed in the trophy room for a half hour, adding cut after cut to his arsenal of lines and scars. As the moon reflected off the trophies, and the torch died down, he began to calm down. The anxiety that had been building up inside of him throughout the day began to die away, and the anger that had balled in his chest began to dissipate. He wasn't crying, this time, but the tightness that he'd been feeling in his throat, which threatened him with the prospect, began to loosen. As Sirius sat and watched the beads of blood drip down the pale, marred surface of his arms, he began to relax.

He stayed on the floor for another ten minutes or so after returning his knife to his bag, staring out into the dark, abandoned corridor. He was okay. Whatever his friends said, he was okay.

Finally, Sirius found it in himself to stand, and he started, slowly, down the corridor toward Gryffindor tower. He knew that if he stayed out much longer, one of his friends would come looking for him, something that he bitterly knew would be all too easy for them, thanks to that ruddy map of theirs. Chances are James was probably already aware that Sirius had spent the last 40 minutes or so in the trophy room. Thankfully, though, he wouldn't be able to tell what he had been doing.

Sirius was able to stretch his walk back to the common room to a full 20 minutes, and when he found himself approaching the Fat Lady and the portrait hole, he had to fight the urge to run back to the safety of the trophy room. He sighed.

"_Tempus Fugit" _He told the portrait, glumly. She swung forward, silently, and he crawled into the warm and brightly lit common room. Somehow, this didn't make him feel any better. He scanned the room for any sign of his friends and found none, and sighed again knowing that they must already be upstairs. He started slowly up the staircase.

He didn't really want to face either one of them, following the altercation that they'd had a dinner time. He continued on, though, knowing that it was necessary.

When he opened the door to the boy's dormitory, he was unsurprised to find both James and Remus inside. Remus was lying on his bed, reading a book, and James was playing with his snitch in the middle of the room. Sirius' flickered over to James' bedside table, where he saw the map rolled open and lying next to his wand. So his suspicions had been correct, and James had been tailing his whereabouts.

"Would you mind not spying on me, James?" He asked, irritably, tossing his bag on his bed side table and flopping down on top of the sheets. He heard James sigh from across the room.

"Still mad at me, then?" He asked. Sirius didn't answer and James got up and sat on the edge of his bed, forcing the former to slide over to avoid being sat on. Remus closed his book and quietly left the room. "Look, I'm sorry if it seems like I've been ignoring you lately." He told him sincerely. "I've been a little caught up with everything that's going on with Lily, and you're right, I haven't been fair to you guys."

"No, you haven't." Sirius said shortly, staring up toward the ceiling from his position on his back. "You bloody abandoned me on Sunday, too, you know." A guilty look crossed James' face.

"I know, mate. I'm sorry. But you've got to understand how exciting all of this is for me. I've been after this girl for years, and I finally have her. Try to imagine what that's like, Padfoot, and tell me how you'd behave." Sirius grabbed a pillow and shoved it over his face. He resisted the urge to scream into it. "Anyway, after you went off on me today I thought about it for a bit and you're right, and I'm going to stop treating you guys like you're second rate now. You're still my best mates. Especially you." Beneath his pillow, Sirius blinked back tears. "Is that… is that why you've been acting so strangely lately?" James asked him, tentatively.

Taking a deep breath, Sirius removed the pillow from his face. He didn't know how to respond and ultimately decided to deny it altogether.

"I don't know why you're so adamant about something being wrong me." He said, trying to sound annoyed but not quite pulling it off. "I'm fine." James just stared at him. "Fine." Sirius said shortly, realizing that he wasn't about to buy it. "Yes and no," he answered, truthfully. James appeared to be waiting for an elaboration but when Sirius didn't follow up, he spoke again.

"You know, Padfoot, it really kind of hurts me that you're refusing to tell me what's going on. I thought you trusted me and now you're shutting me out all of the sudden and I don't understand why."

Sirius felt horribly guilty at the idea of hurting James, but at the same time he knew he would never be able to tell him exactly what was going on.

"I just…" He started slowly. "I just don't want to lose you to her." He settled for saying. He wasn't lying, and James didn't need to know the extent to which he meant that.

"You won't, mate." James said strongly. "I promise. Lily's great," he continued, and Sirius put the pillow back over his face. "Lily's great but she can't ever replace my best mate. We've been here for each other since we were eleven years old. You can be damn sure I'm not going to throw that away. Okay?" Sirius nodded beneath his pillow. He heard James sigh from beyond it. "I know you're crying under there." He told him. Sirius felt himself blush as James picked up the pillow and he tried to as discretely as possible wipe the wetness from his face.

James put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Sirius whispered, though not entirely sure what he was apologizing for. James shook his head.

"Don't be. I'd be just as scared if I felt like I was losing you." He stopped to think for a moment. "Actually, I'd probably be an even better wreck." Sirius closed his eyes. "So how about tomorrow we go flying together? You and me. No girls allowed." Sirius smiled a little bit and nodded. A grin broke across James' face. "Good. Because I'm kicking your ass."

"You wish." Sirius answered in a slightly wavering voice. "You wish, Potter." James got up and retrieved the snitch from above Remus' bedpost and walked into the bathroom.

Remus reentered the room, mumbling something about a quill he'd left in the common room, and Sirius pulled his curtains shut, trying to figure out how he was going to hide his cuts from James during the following day.


	7. Chapter 7

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The following morning, Sirius was awoken, disgruntledly, by a swiftly tossed pillow and a few pokes to the ribs. Grumbling, he opened his eyes to see James standing directly above him, fully dressed, wide-eyed, and far too energetic for the early morning.

"Bloody hell," He swore, rubbing sleep out of his eyes. "What time is it?"

""Round 9." James answered with a shrug. "I couldn't go back to sleep." Sirius groaned, knowing that "around 9" meant it was likely only half past 8.

"Right." He answered, rolling over. "I'm going back to sleep."

"No you're not." James grabbed the cover from Sirius' bed and yanked it right off of him. "You're coming to breakfast with me." Glaring at his friend, Sirius groggily crawled off the mattress and stumbled toward the bathroom.

"I'm taking a shower first!" He called back.

As Sirius ran the faucet and waited for the water to heat up, he felt the beginnings of nervousness seep into his system. He hadn't entirely worked out how he was going to hide his cuts from James. He figured his best bet was to change into his Quidditch clothes before even going down stairs, to eliminate the difficulty of using the changing tent near the pitch.

Once the water had warmed, Sirius stepped into the stream and let the stream trickle down his face and body. For a solid ten minutes he made no move to actually clean himself in any way. He was looking forward to his day with James, but irritatingly, he was plagued by the sensation of fluttering in his stomach, which no amount of self-scolding would make go away.

_It's not a bloody date, Sirius. _He told himself. _You've hung out with James loads of times. Calm the fuck down. _

He began scrubbing down, making a careful avoidance of his cuts. He heard pounding on the door.

"Merlin's Beard!" James shouted. "How long does it take you to take a bloody shower?!" Sirius growled under his breath.

"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Sirius washed his hair quickly and turned off the faucet. Wrapping himself with one towel and draping another over his arm, he re-entered the dorm, and walked right into an argument between James and Remus.

"It's not even 9 in the morning, James!" Sirius rolled his eyes and grabbed some Quidditch clothes from his trunk. This was the perfect distraction.

"Who cares, Moony? It's the weekend. Do you want to spend it all day sleeping?"

"Frankly, James, yes, I do." Sirius dressed quickly, carful to keep his back to the room.

"Well, then you should have put a sound barrier on your curtains." James said in a huff.

"_Padfoot _loves me." He retorted. "_He _isn't yelling at me." Sirius distinctly noticed Remus wince at this, but James didn't seem to pick it up. "Come on, best friend." Said James, turning around and prancing over to link his arm with Sirius'. "On with our date!" Behind James, Remus buried his face in his hands and groaned. Sirius just tried to ignore the statement. He couldn't.

"Are you awake yet Padfoot?"

"Sort of," he mumbled back.

"Well wake up, then! Come on. Let's get you some coffee." Sirius couldn't help but smile.

_This is a good day, Sirius. You're not going to spend it miserable. _He scolded himself for being in low spirits and entered the Great Hall with a determination to enjoy his day with James.

As it was a Sunday morning, and not yet 9am, the Great Hall was relatively empty. Sirius sat down at the end of the Gryffindor table and James plopped himself down beside him. Suddenly ravenous, Sirius began piling his plate full of eggs, bacon, toast, and whatever else happened to appear in front of him.

Rather than filling his own plate, James instead started filling Sirius's goblet with coffee.

"Drink that." He demanded. "You're going to need your energy when you get your arse handed to you today."

"You wish!" Sirius attempted to jab through a mouth full of food. "If anyone needs energy, it's you."

James, who was now filling his plate snorted in response.

"Yeah right, Black. I'm going to wipe the pitch with you." Sirius rolled his eyes and the two sat in silence together. After finished his own food, James started to pick off of Sirius' plate.

"Can I help you?" James only stuck out his tongue in response.

After they had both eaten, the boys headed down to the pitch, still jabbing each other with competitive remarks about the game.

James stopped for a moment to change and Sirius waited outside the tent.

"You know," he called from inside. "You're going to regret that decision when you're all hot and sweaty later!"

"Eh. Whatever." James emerged from the tent wearing his tight-fitting Quidditch sweater and Sirius took a gulp of air.

"Last one to the goal hoop sleeps with Slytherins!" James announced without warning and took off into the air.

"God dammit!" Sirius shouted, kicking off and regretting James' head start. He still somehow managed to win.

Sirius hovered in front of the far goal post and stuck out his tongue.

"Prongs sleeps with Slytherins!" he sang. "Gets in bed and slithers in! Prongs sleeps with – " he wasn't able to finish and was interrupted in his song by James flying right into him, forcing him to spiral into the goal post. Sirius only laughed and flew upwards so he was hovering a few feet about James' head.

"Prongs sleeps with Slytherins!" he started again. He took off across the pitch.

The two played chase for close to half an hour before James remembered the snitch he'd snuck out and they turned their focus on to finding it.

"Now," James shouted across the pitch, "If you _had _to sleep with any Slytherin, who would it be?" Sirius shrugged. He hadn't told James he was gay. "Heather Snubs I guess." James feinted a dive and Sirius fell for it. Grumbling to himself, he flew back up to level himself with his friend."

"What about you?"

"I slept with that Ramona girl 6th year, remember? It was kind of awkward." Sirius nodded.

The stopped talking for a bit and flew around the pitch in search of the snitch. As was usual between the two of them, everything they did became a competition. It didn't matter if they were diving, ascending, spinning, speeding, what have you. Sirius found himself having more fun than he'd had in some time.

When James inevitably beat Sirius to catching the snitch, they landed with the intention of resting. Sirius instead tackled James to the ground and yanked the struggling snitch from his adversary's hand.

"No fair!" James exclaimed. Reversing the tackle and pinning Sirius to the ground. "I caught that!"

"Well I re-caught it!" Sirius told him, shoving him off. "I win." James shot him a glare and they both lay on the grass, panting. Sirius was acutely aware of their shoulders touching. "So… have you slept with her yet?" He asked after some silence. He wasn't sure if he actually wanted to know the answer.

"Lily?" James answered as though he'd forgotten her existence. "No." He was quiet for a moment. "To be honest… I haven't wanted to." Surprised at this, Sirius rolled on to his stomach and propped himself up to look at his friend.

"What do you mean you haven't wanted to? You've been after her since our first year." James frowned and looked away.

"Yeah… I know… She's beautiful and all, and she's fun to hang out with and it's wonderful to finally have her under my wing but I just haven't been… interested. Sexually, you know." He turned his head back to face Sirius and for a moment their eyes locked. For the longest times Sirius stared into hazel. James absentmindedly reached up and pulled at one of Sirius curls. "She doesn't know me." He said after a while. He closed his eyes and Sirius rolled back over onto his back.

"Well of course she doesn't," he said, pulling off James' glasses and putting them on his own face. "You've basically only just met."

"I guess."

"What do you expect?" Sirius asked. "That she know you like a best friend?"

"No…" James answered slowly. "But it feels like she doesn't try to know me. Not on a deep level, anyway. Like yesterday. We had fun and all but every time our conversation went more than superficial it just got awkward." This time James rolled over to put his face over Sirius. "Is that bad?"

"I wouldn't say it's bad." Sirius answered. "I'm sure with time that will change." James chewed on his lower lip.

"I kind of don't _want _her to know me like that. It's awkward and kind of embarrassing."

"Well then that is a problem if you want to be with her long term… But I feel like the awkward stage is kind of normal." Sirius' stomach was fluttering. James stared down at him, his hazel eyes boring into him.

"It was never awkward with you." He answered quietly. His eyes lingered on James for a moment and then he sat up and started to pull grass out of the pitch. Sirius rolled onto his stomach and rested his forehead on his arms.

"Yeah…" He answered into the grass. "But I'm not a girl and you're also not dating me."

"Shouldn't it be easier, though?" He heard James reply. "If I'm looking at spending all my time with someone shouldn't it be easier? Hell, Sirius, you're really the only one who _does _know me." At the use of his real name, Sirius sat up. James rarely used it and when did, it was for serious reasons. "I kind of like it that way."

"You okay, Prongs?" Sirius asked. James sighed and took his glasses off Sirius' face.

"Yeah." He answered, cleaning the lenses on his robe. "I'm fine. This whole thing just isn't how I expected." Sirius reached forward and placed a hand on James' shoulder.

"Don't stay in a situation that makes you unhappy, mate." For an unknown reason, James reached up and put his hand on top of the one that Sirius had put on his shoulder.

"I wish you'd tell me what was wrong." He said finally. Sirius sighed and pulled his hand out from under James'.

"I wish I could," he answered quietly. "I do." James started playing with his curls again. Sirius didn't understand what was going on. He'd never done this before. Every once in a while he opened his mouth to say something, but never actually made a sound. He stopped playing with Sirius' hair.

"Is it me?" He asked, finally. "Do you not trust me?" Sirius shook his head quickly.

"God no, James. I trust you to the end of this world, and I really hope you know that. I just can't. I don't know why, I just can't." James chewed worriedly on his lower lip. They watched each other for a long while and James again started to play with his hair.

"I'm jealous of your eyes, you know." James said. "I wish mine could be blue like yours. All the girls look at you."

"I'm gay, Prongs." Sirius blurted out before he could stop himself. "I always have been. I…" He buried his face in his hands. "I've never told anyone." He mumbled.

"Well that's no big deal, mate. Why wouldn't you just say so?" Sirius just shrugged.

"Is that what's been upsetting you?" James asked him with a hopeful tone. He shook his head.

"Oh…" Sirius moved his hands and peeked up at his friend.

"I'm sorry." He whispered. James frowned.

"Don't be. I'll respect your privacy." Sirius nodded. "I think I might end it with Lily." He said after a while. "If things don't get better." He laid down and put his head on Sirius knee, staring up into the sky.

"Whatever makes you happy," Sirius answered, feigning indifference.

On the inside, his heart was soaring.

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